...or take WebMD's advice...I did!

I recently wrote to WebMD with a question. They were a little harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts. Here is the response, cut and pasted from their website:

Dr. Andersonavich Will See You Now

Last night, my sister Josee was feeling a little under the weather (she gave me permission to use this photo):

She said she was plugged up, so my mom gave her a sudafed. Which she says will solve that problem. But Josee didn't want to have a runny nose while sleeping all night, nor drainage into her throat (an excellent point) so my mom gave her a pill to dry things up. It really seemed like they cancelled each other out, right? WRONG, because one of the second medicine's side effects includes a runny nose. Weird right?

I love the prescription drug TV commercials where upbeat music plays while a person goes through his daily life with a smile on his face because his ailments are suddenly healed from popping a pill. The best part is that while this person is looking so happy, a voice in the background casually lists all the possible side effects. Wow, suddenly being cured doesn't seem so great when you could die from the same medicine.

Here is my prognosis (as a future recipient of a doctorate degree) on some medicines based on their side effects:

Purpose: anxiety
Possible side effects: depression, muscle twitching, agitation, concentration problems, diarrhea.
Prognosis: Is it just me or are all of these side effects also signs of anxiety? So what is Xanax actually curing? Plus now you have diarrhea to boot. Stay away from this one.

Purpose: enlarged prostate

Possible side effects: cough, diarrhea, dizziness, headache, infection, nausea, runny nose, sinus problems, sleepiness, sore throat, weakness

Prognosis: So now you don't have to pee as often but you have diarrhea and a runny nose. That's a trade-off I wouldn't make 9 times out of 10. No thanks, Flomax.

Purpose: insomnia

Possible side effects: dizziness, daytime-drowsiness, unusual dreams, loss of coordination, breast enlargement in males.

Prognosis: This medicine is supposed to help you sleep so you wouldn't even notice the dizziness or loss of coordination (unless you sleepwalk). And I think the unusual dreams could be fun and the enlarged breasts would finally help me gain weight. I'm giving Lunesta the green light.

Purpose: shorter periods

Possible side effects: bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods, blood clots in the legs, liver tumors.

Prognosis: I've never had a period but it seems to me that the whole point of having a shorter period is so you bleed less and get it over with sooner. So basically they're promising you a 3-day period but warn you may bleed in between your 3-day periods. So it's not a 3-day period. Plus you could get a liver tumor. Sounds like a raw deal to me.

Purpose: depression

Possible side effects: Impotence, constipation, decreased sex drive, blurred vision, weight gain or loss, increased sweating, difficulty urinating.

Prognosis: After curing my depression, I think Cymbalta's side effects would depress me all over again (see below and add all of these possible side effects as causes of depression). This one is a no-go.

Purpose: heart burn

Possible side effects: nausea, flatulence, abdominal pain, constipation, dry mouth, allergic reaction, back pain, chest pain, hot flashes, fatigue, fever, flu-like disorder, pain, rigors.

Prognosis: Let me get this straight--Nexium is supposed to make you feel better when you have heart burn. But it can also give you a stomach ache, nausea, and a fever, to name a few of the new ailments. Aren't all of those things as bad or worse than heart burn? My accounting skills say you're better off just going to sleep with the heart burn.

and of course...

Purpose: erectile dysfunction

Possible side effects: four-hour erection.

Prognosis. I know we're all thinking this so I'll just say it: Isn't that the point?

Psychology 101

The other day, I was listening to the radio and there was a Doctor (a psychologist) taking phone calls to answer questions about Seasonal Depression. I realize this is and could be a serious problem for some. Apparantly, it is a problem for many. People spend a fourth of their lives (Winters) depressed. They go to the doctor and get "light therapy." That is just sad. After extensive research within myself and talking to pessimistic people at school, I have found some of the main causes of this seasonal depression:

1. The holidays are over
2. School begins
3. Taxes need to be filed
4. Valentine's Day is coming up, and you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend
5. Snow is everywhere on the road threatening to slide your car into a ditch
6. It takes 10-15 extra minutes to get anywhere because of the snow and overcautious drivers
7. Whenever the sun comes out, it seems to be even colder 0utside than usual. (this has something to do with something called an inversion)
8. You feel like you have overspent on things and that feeling of guilt has swept over you
9. New Years Resolutions (one more chance to fail at something, right?)
10. You probably gained about 20 pounds or more over the break (unless you are special like me)
11. There are limited things to do and limited ways to exercise and get that extra weight off. (swimming, hiking, running outside, folk dancing are all out of the question

Combined, these events create an overpowering sense of inadequacy. Year after year the same feeling comes when January rolls around. So our brains decide that for the next three months life is miserable. We train ourselves into misery. And...TADA! You have seasonal depression.

For all of you out there that talked to Dr. Zchalafifanvadsfjlvich on the radio yesterday, I have some real life suggestions for how you can get rid of seasonal depression:

TIP NUMBER 1: Sometimes when working at SESD we would get idiot callers wondering why their electricity bill had gone up so much. They didn't realize that having their trailer hooked up to an outlet for 30 days straight used power I guess. Anyway, when you get a bill like this, it sure can't help you keep a positive outlook on life:

Who left the fridge open?

The answer: During the holidays, stop trying your best to look like morons by hiking your electricity bill up:

Christmas isn't about looking ridiculous anyway.

TIP NUMBER 2: Traveling is much harder in the winter, especially near Provo where students from Florida are sticking their heads out of their windows, trying to catch snowflakes on their tongues (while driving). Our solution to getting places in the winter without it ruining your day and time: Buy new tires-

I know I look sad but I'm really just trying to look cool/Mexican.

New tires run around $500. That's half of what you saved on your power bill anyway, so it shouldn't be too big of an issue.

TIP NUMBER 3: Get a boyfriend/girlfriend. I don't have much advice for guys on getting a girlfriend, considering I haven't qualified myself as an expert in that department. However, there are many things a girl can do to assure a catch - maybe in time for Valentine's Day! YAY!:

1. Shave your upper lip. A smooth upper lip makes for easier kissing. You don't want things to progress that far and then come crashing down because of some fuzz! Wax if you have to. This is essential to your happiness.

2. Don't talk about your depression in front of your prey (the boy). The boy will either run or use you since you seem to be willing to do anything to be happy.

3. Be a little more forward. Boys like girls. A LOT. You are not likely to be shut down. Run your hand through his hair (find someone who isn't a grease ball), squeeze his tushie, etc.

4. Don't mention boys that you have crushes on while you are on a date with a guy you have a crush on. People you shouldn't mention might include: His best friend, your best friend, Brad Pitt, and Edward.

Now you can be happy! You owe me $100 for reading my psychological advice.

Parenting 101

I, for one, have thought about what to say to my children when bad things happen to them. Part of good parenting, in my opinion, is keeping a positive attitude which will influence your children to be positive as well. Here is a parenting lesson for all of us to take into our hearts...


When your kid comes home from school and tells you that a bully was pushing him around, show him this picture:




Then say, "Son, at least you're not a six-legged deer. Imagine how the other deer treat this freak."


Who wouldn't feel better after hearing that? Life is all about putting things in perspective.

Exhibit 3

The Twilight movie was at best a disaster, and yet it has produced a huge amount of hype and plenty of (brainwashed) people love it. See Exhibit 2 where girls are talking about seeing it over 10 times in a month. The following are problems that are inexcusable for a film available in all theaters. Could a person seeing a movie with so many errors overlook them all? Only if they were brainwashed...

Exhibit 2

Revealing mistakes:
1. In the scene with Edward and Bella talking in the cafeteria (when she drops the apple and he catches it) it is very apparent that he has pit stains. Vampires don't sweat. Everyone knows that.
2. Throughout the entire movie the vampires' contact lenses are clearly visible in close ups. For example, during Bella's flashback after the car accident, you see a close-up of Edward's eye - the outer rim of the contacts Robert Pattinson is wearing is distinctly visible.
3. In one of the forest scenes Edward has his sleeves rolled up and you can clearly see that he has a tan. Vampires are shown in the film to have white skin (except Laurent).
4. In a scene in the lunch room, Emmet is clearly seen chewing on food. It has been stated time and time again in the books that vampires do not eat, and their food always remained untouched during lunch. Indeed, Stephenie Meyer mentions on her website that they kept having to redo those scenes because Emmett kept eating. Emmett apparantly likes eating. Sounds like a human man to me.
5. In the scene with Edward and Bella lying in the grass, you can see Edward's carotid pulsating. In the 'Twilight' books, vampires do have hearts, but they do not beat.
6. It's been stated many times that the vampires do not change at all, ever. Yet Edward has varying degrees of stubble throughout the film.
7. Kristen Stewart's microphone was clearly visible between the hem of her shirt and the waist of her pants when Charlie takes Bella to her bedroom in the beginning.
8. Right before the scene when Edward drops Bella off at the Police Station a police truck from Clackamas County pulls out of the lot. Clackamas County is in Oregon, not Washington.

Continuity:
1. While Bella is in the hospital (for the second time) it shows the first shot of her eyes and nose. She has oxygen tubes running to her nose. The tubes are over top of her eyes, but when the camera zooms out the tubes are nowhere near her eyes. Then it zooms back in and the tubes are at her eyes again, and so on.
2. When Edward drops Bella off at the police station on the way back from Port Angeles, she doesn't have her bag, which contained the book she picked up from the book store that she uses later on to research the "cold ones".
3. In the ballet studio, James clearly breaks Bella's right leg. However, in the hospital, Bella's right leg is not covered by the blankets and reveals only bandaging on her thigh; her left leg is covered and appears to be straight and in a cast. In the following scene (prom), it's her right leg in a cast.
4. In the scene where Edward and Bella are on the rocks and Bella asks Edward if anyone else in his family can read minds too. Bella has mittens on and in the next shot they are off and laying in her lap.
5. In the baseball scene, Rosalie's hair changes between shots. In some, her hair is shown to be neatly curled, in other shots, it is shown to have lost its curl almost in its entirety, and so on. (A girl would immediately recognize this.)
6. When Bella is in the forest to confront Edward on who he is the flap on his right shoulder of the jacket Edward is wearing is buttoned down, in the following scene, unbuttoned, then buttoned again.
7. In the meadow scene, Edward and Bella are lying very closely together at first, but when the shot switches, they are suddenly quite a bit farther apart even though they appear not to have moved.
8. When Charlie is telling Bella that the security guard had been killed by the "animal," you can clearly hear that it is raining but neither Bella nor Charlie are getting wet and no rain can be seen.
9. During the Ballet Studio scene, when some of the Cullens arrive to help Edward fight James we see Emmett, Alice & Jasper jump from a balcony to the ground below. In the wide shot we see Alice land while the other two are still falling, but then in the next shot we see all three of them land at the same time.
10. Throughout the film, dark roots on Rosalie's would show in one scene and then disappear in another due to the fact Nikki Reed's is naturally very dark instead of blonde.
11. When Bella confronts Edward, her red book bag on the left of the screen seems to flip and move around in different shots on the scene.
12. At the prom Bella and Edward see Jessica and Mike. Bella motions to Jessica then they turn and walk away with their backs facing them. Bella and Edward walk through the crowd, seeing Tyler dancing, then they see Angela and Eric. When the scene comes back to Bella and Edward you can clearly see Jessica dancing right behind them even though she would have been on the other side of the room.
13. When Jacob confronts Bella at the prom scene she is shown in just her dress. A couple of shots later when Edward cuts in, she has a sweater on.

There are other horrible special effects throughout the film, such as when they make Edward run really fast and it looks as though he is a road runner. Also, the vampire's makeup looks like pancake batter.