Swine Flu Jokes!

I'm automatically more funny cuz I have swine flu. Like a black man that can make funny black jokes, I am a swine flu victim that can make funny swine flu jokes!

1. Instead of "achoo" I say "achOINK" when I sneeze.
2. "Do I smell bacon. Crap, gotta take my temperature. I think I have a fever again."
3. (As I enter my room) "Man this place is a pigsty!"
4. (When the Health Department calls me) "Oink? Oink OINK oink oink oink." (pause and wait for a response. This was really fun.)
5. OK, there really aren't that many. But they cheer me up. :)

Today is the first 2 Sundays in a row I've missed since getting pnuemonia in 2003. I really miss going to church and feeling the Spirit and feeling pushed to do a little better. Sure, I've been reading scriptures and stuff, but it just isn't the same. I don't know what I'd do without the Church in my life!

National Sun Safety Week

I am doing all I can to honor National Sun Safety Week by staying indoors. How's that for observance? :) My to-do list for today is quite lengthy:

1. Roll around in the mud CHECK
2. Pig out on some food CHECK
3. Take a nap
4. Write in blog

OK, so I'm going out of order, but I didn't expect to finish the first two things so early in the morning. So far I'm feeling better and my facial hair is pretty impressive based on what I was expecting, but the side effects of the medicine are horrible. Take a look:

Parenting 201

I previously posted some advice on parenting. Another resource available might be this picture. The next time your daughter comes home from school crying because a boy has told her she has cooties, you should show her THIS picture:



...then tell her, "Would you rather have cooties or be the ugliest dog in the world like this freak of nature? Now go outside and play." After she smiles and hugs you, she'll skip outside grabbing the sides of her sunflower dress. Then you can lean back and tell yourself just how awesome a parent you are.

REALLY direct questions...

In Business Law, we were taught about the obvious difference between a direct, effective question and an open or leading question. Questions that are made to make facts clear and simple are generally very direct and closed (one or two word answers). After watching CourtTV today, however, I think some of these lawyers take this concept a little too far:

1. The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
2. Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed that night?
A: Obviously my brother
Q: ...then he did not kill you?
3. And you were present at that time when your picture was taken?
4. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
5. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
6. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
7. Q: So you fled down the basement stairs?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

WOW

Turn that frown upside down

Sometimes isolation hurts. Of course, I know I'm never really alone. I always have YouTube with me. So after what was going to be a bad day, I found this CD and ordered it online:



Now I'm soaring!

Thoughts keep racing...

My mind is still healthy I think. So with all the TV and stuff I've been watching, many questions of the soul have entered my mind:

Has anyone ever watched a full WNBA game on TV?

Why is it socially acceptable to use song and dance to tell a story or make a point in musicals, but it's not acceptable in real life?

Why are Wendy's hamburger patties square?

Does Windex really clean tanning beds?

Would a goofy-looking chump like Luke Russerthave gotten internships with PTI and Late NightWith Conan O'Brien and a correspondent job withMSNBC if his dad weren't the late Tim Russert?

Why does pitchman Billy Mays get so excited about OxiClean?

Why do we still have to listen to marching bands at football halftime games?

Does the 3rd Manning brother feel like a loser?

Why do 10 second downloads on ITunes cost $1.99 when full song downloads cost $0.99?

Does Dick Vitale know his voice is gritty and annoying?

Do whitening toothpastes really do anything?

Why do women wear those weird sweater things that tie together at the front, even when it oddly accentuates the breasts? They wear t-shirts or tanktops underneath, and never take it off, so why not just wear a sweater?

SWINE FLU!

Well, turns out I may have swine flu from the MTC. I did eat ham the day before I got sick, in case you were wondering. But in addition to being stuck here the next few days making blog posts instead of working (Dr. says I need to avoid humans until Monday), there are many advantages to having swine flu:

1. This totally proves I'm part Mexican.
2. I have now watched every Office episode created.
3. My leftovers NEVER get eaten by someone else now.
4. The mask I wear lets me smile when I'm being sarcastic. Nobody knows I'm smiling. They all think I'm grouchy.

I also have lots of ideas for things to do over the weekend! I'll blog them all here so you can almost FEEL what swine flu feels like.