Dr. Andersonavich Will See You Now

Last night, my sister Josee was feeling a little under the weather (she gave me permission to use this photo):

She said she was plugged up, so my mom gave her a sudafed. Which she says will solve that problem. But Josee didn't want to have a runny nose while sleeping all night, nor drainage into her throat (an excellent point) so my mom gave her a pill to dry things up. It really seemed like they cancelled each other out, right? WRONG, because one of the second medicine's side effects includes a runny nose. Weird right?

I love the prescription drug TV commercials where upbeat music plays while a person goes through his daily life with a smile on his face because his ailments are suddenly healed from popping a pill. The best part is that while this person is looking so happy, a voice in the background casually lists all the possible side effects. Wow, suddenly being cured doesn't seem so great when you could die from the same medicine.

Here is my prognosis (as a future recipient of a doctorate degree) on some medicines based on their side effects:

Purpose: anxiety
Possible side effects: depression, muscle twitching, agitation, concentration problems, diarrhea.
Prognosis: Is it just me or are all of these side effects also signs of anxiety? So what is Xanax actually curing? Plus now you have diarrhea to boot. Stay away from this one.

Purpose: enlarged prostate

Possible side effects: cough, diarrhea, dizziness, headache, infection, nausea, runny nose, sinus problems, sleepiness, sore throat, weakness

Prognosis: So now you don't have to pee as often but you have diarrhea and a runny nose. That's a trade-off I wouldn't make 9 times out of 10. No thanks, Flomax.

Purpose: insomnia

Possible side effects: dizziness, daytime-drowsiness, unusual dreams, loss of coordination, breast enlargement in males.

Prognosis: This medicine is supposed to help you sleep so you wouldn't even notice the dizziness or loss of coordination (unless you sleepwalk). And I think the unusual dreams could be fun and the enlarged breasts would finally help me gain weight. I'm giving Lunesta the green light.

Purpose: shorter periods

Possible side effects: bleeding or spotting between menstrual periods, blood clots in the legs, liver tumors.

Prognosis: I've never had a period but it seems to me that the whole point of having a shorter period is so you bleed less and get it over with sooner. So basically they're promising you a 3-day period but warn you may bleed in between your 3-day periods. So it's not a 3-day period. Plus you could get a liver tumor. Sounds like a raw deal to me.

Purpose: depression

Possible side effects: Impotence, constipation, decreased sex drive, blurred vision, weight gain or loss, increased sweating, difficulty urinating.

Prognosis: After curing my depression, I think Cymbalta's side effects would depress me all over again (see below and add all of these possible side effects as causes of depression). This one is a no-go.

Purpose: heart burn

Possible side effects: nausea, flatulence, abdominal pain, constipation, dry mouth, allergic reaction, back pain, chest pain, hot flashes, fatigue, fever, flu-like disorder, pain, rigors.

Prognosis: Let me get this straight--Nexium is supposed to make you feel better when you have heart burn. But it can also give you a stomach ache, nausea, and a fever, to name a few of the new ailments. Aren't all of those things as bad or worse than heart burn? My accounting skills say you're better off just going to sleep with the heart burn.

and of course...

Purpose: erectile dysfunction

Possible side effects: four-hour erection.

Prognosis. I know we're all thinking this so I'll just say it: Isn't that the point?